Waiting

Several of you have asked what has happened to my blog.

I have refrained from posting most of what I have written, mainly because I have been afraid that I might step on someone’s toes.  Writing has always been an outlet for me, but I also recognize that I am fragile and prone to blurt things out that may seem insensitive or jaded.  So, I guess you’ve been warned.

The latest update: We are in a holding pattern as we process the details and prepare to take our next step in the treatment process.  Infertility is all about waiting.  Waiting to ovulate, waiting for the HPT to read positive or negative, waiting for day one so I can get the crying over with and start again.  There is always a phone call, a test result or doctor appointment looming. Wait, wait, wait.

We have experienced many, many blessings over the last month.  Most notably:

• A fantastic fertility clinic that I have bugged incessantly over the last few weeks.  My doctor, the receptionist, office manager, and my nurse have all given me their emails and office extensions and respond to my every question within minutes.  I am sure they think I am crazy but......they have never let on.

• A community of women in Shreveport who have gone before me, offered advice and walked me through all of the financial ins and outs. I am forever grateful in particular to two girls (now pregnant!) who are going to donate me their extra meds, no charge. To give you an idea of their generosity- one particular med costs about 100 a dose.  I will need 25 doses!  She is going to help with that need, despite the fact that she had to pay out of pocket for it.

• My husband.  I dare anyone to tell me he won’t be the greatest dad. He has already endured mood swings and spontaneous bouts of crying and anger that would wreck a lesser man. Not to mention the fact that he has gotten a crash course in the female anatomy- and it’s not as sexy as it sounds.

With all this said, this is a contemplative space as we prepare for the impending hurricane.   I currently feel an overwhelming pressure (mostly from myself) to be in a peaceful place of acceptance with whatever God wills, which is something I’m working on.  I have often felt that others also wish to project me to this reconciled (and much more comfortable) place.  I know this doesn’t come with ill intent-just a deep desire for me to see some light, purpose, or meaning to the path we are on.  I trust that eventually I will be here- mainly because there are so many other “infertiles” who are just like that.  However, they are much farther along in their journey, and have often received some kind of closure-either through miracle pregnancies, adoption, or other circumstances that have added pieces to their puzzle.

I have many, many questions.  God and I don’t spend a lot of time contemplating post IVF life, or how I will reconcile the “why” behind what has become the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.  Instead, with His assistance, today I went to work. I tackled a records nightmare with Dr. V. I talked to the Dallas fertility clinic three times. I beat myself up over some IVF paperwork I STILL have not finished.  I did two loads of laundry, looked in the fridge and realized that I can no longer put off a grocery store run.  I have miraculously managed to keep from flunking out of school despite being so distracted.  Am I even making sense? Maybe I’m just saying that for now, God is carrying me through the moment.  The clichés about “His plan my life”, or about how “everything happens for a reason” are schools of thought to be dissected at a later date.  MUCH later.

Will post an update after Friday’s appointment in Dallas.

Love,

Juli