Easter

I want to write some really beautiful post about Easter, God's love, and how the truth of a risen Lord graces me with a peace that made today really wonderful.

It wasn't.

It started pouring early, and didn't let up until late this afternoon.  It was a torrential downpour of blowing rain. I briefly considered staying bed, and then decided three days of not getting dressed  was bordering on unhealthy.  I don't want to check that box on a depression inventory.

So we went to church.  Michael was so kind to drop me off alongside all the other women and children trying not to get wet.  The church was already packed so I grabbed two seats in the back. I sighed and tried to forget the fact that my shoes were wet and instead focus on fact that Jesus is alive....

And anyone who has gone through this knows exactly what happened next.....  Behind us: adorable cooing/crying baby.  In front of us: family of four, each adult holding a child about two or three years old.

And it just hurts.

The Easter dresses, the eggs, the kids EVERYWHERE.  The 14,000 "look at my little bunny!" pictures posted on facebook. All if it hurts, and all if it is just so. in. my. face.

I get irritated with how we slap "He is Risen!" on our facebook status,  "He's alive" on our twitter account and we use pintrest to remind us to create that chalkboard frame with John 3:16 inscribed on it. Christians love to tell people how He is alive, but we don't want to discuss how he died.We like the resurrection, but we don't like the cross. It's uncomfortable, and gory, and full of horrible suffering and anguish.  And I'll fully admit that I'm pointing at ME, cause I fast forwarded through that part of The Bible on the history channel quicker than you can say "close your eyes this is the scary part!"

I feel like I should have been focused on the happy parts of the Easter story today, but the suffering was just resonating a little bit more.

I am grieving so deeply and intensely, I wonder how I will get through this week, much less IVF success/ failure and beyond.  We went from "lets do some testing" to " You need IVF" in less than 90 days. I've hardly had time to even adjust to the idea of needing fertility help and now I'm realizing that even qualifying for certain fertility treatments is a blessing.

The most pressing prayer matter at the moment is for my emotional preparedness for the bloodwork that should be returned this week. While I expect it will be abnormal, I am praying that it will be on the good side of a "bad" scale.   We have had so much bad news and I am just dreading another disappointing phone call.

Will leave you with a picture from today.  It makes me smile.  For the record...check out my little bunny. :)

Love,

Juli