I'm Uncool

"We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in. "
-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

Well, I did it. I am an official Houston resident. I haven't yet moved into my new apartment, but I have started work, and I've begun the tedious work of building something I'd like to refer to as a life. It's time consuming, and at times overwhelming, but I am muddling through. I have gotten settled again at the hospital, and having some familiar faces around makes me feel a whole lot better about everything.

Onto my post for tonight. As most of you know, I can be a very black and white thinker. Things in my world are simple. You are either right or wrong, good or bad, cool or uncool. In the case of "cool" I need only to refer you all to your memories of high school. No matter where you attended high school, there was the "cool" and the "uncool." Period. Many of us, like myself, who didn't find ourselves allocated into the "cool" classification, spent thousands of hours strategizing how to look like we belonged in the off chance we might gain access to this exclusive clique. In high school, cool was mostly determined by clothing. However, though I also covered my rear in expensive Abercrombie and Fitch jeans, I have to admit, I just didn't quite fit. The cool kids just looked different in those jeans, although I never could quite put my finger on why that was.

We like to think as grown ups that we have matured beyond that.

We are more open minded.

We are more accepting of diversity.

I beg to differ.

Really, we just replace the word "cool" with the word "confident." On the surface the word seems innocent enough. But in grown up world, "confident" is just the more politically correct way of describing "cool". Bold assurances to our superiors, pagers, blackberries, networking with VIPs, and endless streams of certification and job titles trailing our names separate us into a caste system not unlike that which we suffered from in high school.

I am finding that in grown up world, I am no cooler than I was in high school. I'm draped in the right stuff, but it just doesn't quite seem to fit the way it ought to. I portray confidence. I nod as physicians talk, and scribble notes in my padfolio. Thoracic insufficiency syndrome? No problem. A laparoscopic percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy? "Absolutely" I say. I can talk a kid or family through that one in 10 minutes flat.....as soon as I untangle my tongue, find google, and bribe a very patient medical student into helping me out.

Tonight, I headed to my hip-hop class. Hip-Hop is a challenging form of dance for me, mainly because while a specific step can be broken down, described and demonstrated, it still requires a certain amount of spontaneity. It isn't enough to simply perform the step. You have to ooze cool. Our instructor is the type who calls us out when we look stupid. He picks on us. Tonight, he told me he couldn't even find words for how uncool I looked. I think this was during a "sexy walk" I was supposed to be strutting. For those of you who know me, you know I don't ooze cool. Or confident. And I definitely don't ooze sexy either.

The good news is that some things do change with maturity. The difference between high school and my new found grown up world is that I can now actually laugh about the fact that I'm not cool. I giggled until it hurt tonight.

I found this clip the other day. Some of you might remember this from back in the day. Once upon a time, I slipped into a sparkled crop top and briefly masqueraded as "cool". It was great, but I wouldn't go back. Giggling at "uncool" is a whole lot more fun.

Cut me some slack...I didn't pick the music. Don't forget to turn down my playlist at the bottom of the page. The video is blurry, but bonus points for anyone who can find me!

Many laughs,
Juli


Untitled from juli teeters on Vimeo.