Thoughts about Dating and Marriage, Part One

I am writing tonight, and I have a feeling this post is going to get me some emails, so I’ll begin by saying “Bring. It. On.”

Heads up, I am going to write about dating and marriage and I have a feeling my views won’t be wildly popular. Just so you know, that is okay. This is my blog, and someday I may look back and wonder who this girl was, and if that is the case, so be it. Or, maybe I will look back and remember who this girl was and it will inspire me to extend some small words of comfort to a girl who sits where I sit now.

Okay, so here we go.

I have written about dating here before, but I don’t do it often. I have to tell you, as a single 26 year old woman I haven’t necessarily received a ton of support or encouragement in this area of my life. It isn’t that people mean to say things that are hurtful or dismissive. It’s simply that ours is not a culture that esteems marriage and families.

Now, let me take a moment to say, that undoubtedly marriage is hard. I obviously don’t have first hand knowledge of that, but the Bible assures of it, so I’ll take it as fact. I don’t believe that marriage solves all your problems- I think it gives you different ones. And I don’t think one person can bear the weight of your every need, desire, or your life’s happiness.

However marriage is wonderful. It is a gift. And just as being single has it’s strengths, so does being married.

I think marriages in general, could go a long way if the people in them and surrounding them, viewed them as gift, rather than a curse. Eve was God’s gift to Adam. She was his perfectly suited helper. God said- It’s is not good for the man to be alone. I will create a helper suitable for him.” It did not say “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a church singles group for him.”

So let’s recap: Marriage is a blessing, but will come with difficulties.

Okay. Next point.

I am going to say something wildly radical here. I’m going to be called crazy. Maybe even desperate. But here we go.

I want to be married.

I know. Shhhhh! Someone might hear me!

Let me be clear on this point. I don’t want to be married to just anyone. We all know that girl who will compromise on just about any issue, as long as the guy will entertain the thought of marrying her. Sometimes she can be spotted at those bridal exhibitions even though she is not even engaged yet. She has been planning her wedding since was two, and her china pattern was selected when she was ten. She is in love with the idea of being married.

I have a very wise friend who has had a very rough couple of years. And when I say rough, I mean rough. She told me not long ago that she has never been more glad in her 20+ year marriage that she married the right guy. I will wait forever if that is what it takes. I would rather cry myself to sleep on my 30th or 40th birthday than be in a marriage with anyone other than the person God planned for me. (And it takes some time to really determine if they are that person!)


These single years I have been blessed with a lot of time to really think about what qualities in a man are really important. And I really turned the corner around 25 when I started seriously considering what kind of woman I wanted to be for the right man! I read an amazing book once called “What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter” by Voddie Bauchum. I loved it, and even passed it on to my dad. It really gave me a sound idea of the kind of man I am looking to commit to someday.

However, there is one sentence in it that I will never forget. Bauchum writes that he has "never seen a generation of young men and women more bound and determined to do anything in the name of Christ….as long as that doesn’t mean growing up, getting married, and committing to a family.”

Ouch.

That’s what makes this hard.

The generation before us, can’t offer much in the way of help. My mom married when she was 19 years old. That is just what you did back then. Even in this age of extended adolescence it "happened" for my sister by the time she was 22. The uncertainty and the difficulties I face is foreign to them. They know nothing but to look at me and say “It’s going to happen. Don’t worry.”

But, some of us single gals are worried. And if marriage is truly what our hearts desire, then I think we should be.

Surrounding us is a culture that is screaming-“ stay single as long as you can.” Many girls my age are happily single, in long-term relationships, or bouncing from one potential love interest to the next. They say it is fine. They say it is great.

But is it really?

What is so great about forming attachment after attachment to men you can’t see yourself making a life with? We date these “great guys” hoping that they will come around to the idea of marriage after a year or two.

Essentially, we have been conditioned to audition for the part of “wife.”

And when it doesn’t work out because it isn’t quite “right” or the ”love” feeling has faded or we aren't feeling the same chemistry as say, oh Allie and Noah in The Notebook, we are a year (or two, or three) older. We are hurt, wounded, and scarred. The dating pool has shrunk and we then carry the remnants of the drama, mistakes and poor choices into the next relationship.

No wonder so many marriages fail.

Not long ago I got hooked on a website that I deeply respect called Boundless. It was begun by a woman named Candace Watters, and she unarguably writes some of the best articles on dating, marriage, and life in general.

She challenges women to live (and date!) as though they ARE going to marry. It is concept I believe in, though it isn’t very popular with my age bracket, and there are plenty of people around the water cooler who would disagree.

The idea is this:
Don’t date as if marriage to the person you are giving your time, energy and heart to might happen someday.

Date with the belief that marriage to the person you are giving your time, energy and heart to is LIKELY to happen….so be careful who you date!

In light of this way of thinking, the short story here would be this: If I am in a relationship for any decent length of time, than yes, we are serious. Not in a “I’m so desperate I have to make it work” way. But in a “we may be able to create a god honoring marriage” kind of way.

Whoa.

That was intense.

I think I am going to take a pause here, but before I sign off, let me tell you about Amy Beth.

Amy Beth is this super cool blogger at simplyfabulousministry.com. She is super cool because Kelly and Amanda read her blog- and because she is so, so brave and willing to honestly write about what it is like for her to be single- when what she really desires is a family. She wrote a fabulous post called “Meet My Husband, You Can Call Him God For Short” and she had TONS of comments from single girls. Hop over and take a look. And may you be as blessed as I by what they had to say.

Love,